From Lila Avatar das – Russia, Kaliningrad

Lila Avatar das – Russia, Kaliningrad Dear Srila Gurudev,
Please accept our humble obeisances! All glories to you and your dear Srila Prabhupada!
On the day of your Vyasa Puja I will try to express my gratitude for all that you have been doing for me and my family for many years. All that we have (the material and the spiritual) is the result of yourbblessings and mercy.
The wife, the child, property, money, health, service, the society of devotees, determination to continue the spiritual practice and inspiration that are present in my life are by your grace only.
The very short life line on my palm kept raising the question in my mind,”What does it mean?” In fact it is 70% shorter than I have seen on the most people’s palms.
Thirteen years ago, on the Polish Tour, Prahlad Nrsimha Prabhu, saw my astrological chart and the lines on my palms and said: “Your Gurudev saved you from death by accepting you as a disciple in 2003.” So, I can say without any doubts, all that I have — is your mercy and your merit.
My life and spiritual practice is not an example of success at all. It’s rather a struggle and endless attempts to get up and continue the way. But anyway, over the years, it becomes a little easier, as if a heavy load of karma gradually burns down and the way to Krishna becomes more and more clear.
Although my mistakes should give me more punishment, I feel that I go the way of forgiveness, support and faith in myself, by your mercy and Krishna’s condescension. The hope and the gratitude arise because of it. In certain moments of intensive practice, I saw that your, Prabhupada’s and Krishna’s mercy are as vast as the ocean, and this mercy is always available.
As I become older, by your mercy, I have the understanding that this material reality is not our home. Everything is so difficult and not reliable here, there is so much pain and suffering. There are no prospects and hopes of getting settled. Actually, I don’t want to do it. Because, by your grace, the sense of spiritual existence in reality is becoming more apparent, and returning home to Vrindavan is becoming a more and more desired goal.
And although I’m not fully prepared and do not possess any good qualities for spiritual life and six vices continue to attack me, by your kindness and mercy and by the kindness of Prabhupada and Krishna, sometimes, while reading about the relationship of devotees with Krishna in the spiritual reality, I feel, that these special relationships as a network take hold of and drag my mind. And if in these moments I suddenly ended up there, at home in Vrindavan under your guidance — that would be the greatest victory and I would not regret anything that I left in this world. This is amazing and it’s possible, only by your grace. Thank you for that! You reveal the spiritual reality.
On the other hand, who am I, to rely on something and think about such sublime topics?! I just try to keep it in my heart and not to think about returning to the spiritual world now and to always remember that now and forever my only position is the servant of my dear Gurudev. I just ask you, to engage my family in devotional service, as you see it. I just rely on your goodwill and mercy.
I felt the inexplicable influence of the special atmosphere, in the first year, when I served you on the Polish tour in 2003. And the more I thought, that I just wanted to serve you and be part of your team, so that you are satisfied and feel joy, the more this atmosphere manifested. Later, I found out that it is the special spirit and taste of Vrindavan. And it is a taste which, as you say, can be felt even by the neophyte, by the mercy of Gauranga. Thank you for it!
And thank you, for your support, during the difficult times, associated with serving the mission and devotees. When we encountered misunderstanding and criticism in our serving, I was very worried, about the serving and about devotees with whom they neglected and acted unjustly. It seemed I was left all alone. But in my dreams, you and Prabhupada, came several times and cheered me up, by hugging me, warmly looking at me and holding my hand. And Prabhupada, patted me on the back and gave me the chadar. And you were always with Prabhupada and looked after me. When I woke up, I realized that I was not alone. I am always with you and with Prabhupada. Thank you for it! Last few years our service has been reduced a little due to the illness of my wife Anandini Tulasi and the same of my daughter, Radharani. In December, Anandini Tulasi went to the sankirtana marathon, although her health was poor. Last few years we can’t participate, as much in the mission, as we used to, not in such quantity. But we really hope that they will finally recover and we will actively participate in the mission together, as it was earlier. Please, Srila Gurudev, think for a few moments about Anandini Tulasi and little Radharani. They love you so much and they are such good devotees with a great desire to serve the mission.
Every time you have visited us in Kaliningrad, everything started to blossom and change after your visit for the better, and those things that were very difficult to achieve, suddenly appeared, simply by your mercy. Thank you for leading us through your lectures and instructions. Recently, the material world shows a true face. Srila Gurudev, in the most difficult periods of life, hope and peace appear in the heart, through listening to your lectures.
Anandini Tulasi and I feel that you are our master, kind father, well-wisher, our hero, mentor, example in qualities and service, you are our support and light of life. Your precious Lotus feet are ours wealth and salvation. We embrace and press your lotus feet to our hearts.
Please use us as you wish. There is nothing in this world that is worth more effort. But for the service to the devotees and your feet, for the service to Prabhupada and Krishna there is a lot to strive for in a mission.
Please, use us, as you want, use our time, money, possessions, talents and our lives. We don’t know how much longer we will be in this world in this life, so please, guide us, make us good clean little tools in your hands and use us, engage us in devotional service as you need it.
Please, stay in this world for as long, as possible. We ask Lord Nrsimhadeva every day, to give you good health and to allow you, to stay here, as long, as He can allow.
We just rely on your good will and mercy.
Your children, eternal debtors and humble servants, Lila Avatar Das, Anandini Tulasi Dasi and little Radharani