From Sanjivani Radha dasi – Russia, Tyumen

My dear Srila Gurudeva,
Please, accept my most humble obeisances to your lotus feet on this auspicious Day of your Appearance. All glories to our only savior Srila Prabhupada! All glories to you, our beloved father!
Once again I find myself writing my offering letter to you. To be honest, I start meditating on what I would be able to offer you, Srila Gurudeva, in my next letter as soon as I present you with the present one.
Last year I stupidly asked you in what mood I should chant Gayatri-mantras. As if there is any mood I could cultivate. But you smiled sweetly and full of father’s love, and simply answered: “With gratitude”. And I felt it so deeply, that I see the way this instruction set mood for my whole life. How can I be devoted to you if my every breath is not filled with gratefulness to you?
So this year I tried to concentrate my gratitude to you in every moment of my life even more strongly. And I immediately felt your response on this two-way street. You mercifully engaged me in daily chanting of the holy names and Gayatri mantras, daily arcana at home and in our temple, daily preaching, and classes giving. By your mercy alone, Srila Gurudeva, I was engaged in preaching as a teacher, and now I am happy to share with you, that I am full time serving as a teacher for little Vaisnava girls. It is the greatest pleasure to be able to engage in Krsna consciousness activities 24/7, and I am experiencing it because you saw me as a suitable instrument in your hands. And by no means have I possessed any qualities for whatever service you allow me to participate in.
I know, that I am by no means a perfect instrument, even hardly an instrument at all, but my Master, you, Srila Gurudeva, has perfect hands to use me in the service to his Spiritual Father. Once I asked you to bless me with something which I deemed to be important for devotional service and brahminical way of life, but you just laughed and slapped my forehead with your lotus right palm. Let me tell you, Srila Gurudeva, the desire to ask for something again left me, and the one remaining desire was to only give. There is no reason to ask you for giving blessings to me, because you, Srila Gurudeva, are the most merciful one, and you cannot leave a fallen conditioned soul alone in their struggle. I, being such a fallen rascal, will always be blessed with your mercy, for without it there is nothing for me in this world left.
It was devastating to be robbed of the only opportunity to see you in person this year, because of the whole lockdown situation, but by your mercy I have never felt closer to you, Srila Gurudeva, than right now. The only true need I have is to feel even more closer to your lotus feet, Srila Gurudeva, for I know that your lotus feet — the only place for me in this creation.
Srila Gurudeva, you are my only eternal Father, Master and Teacher, and there is nothing I would love more to do with my live after live than to serve you in Srila Prabhupada’s mission. Thank you, Srila Gurudeva, for taking my life and using it for your service as you would like.
Please, beloved father, never leave me again, for there is no me without you. Without your mercy and service, that you perform through me, I am nothing but an empty shell.
I still cannot believe, that I have survived last year, and having my immune system greatly compromised I still struggle to survive some nights. But I guess, that this imperfect instrument is still needed for your service, that is why you did not allow me to go, and gave me the privilege to continue.
Crying hot tears time after time, I dream about opening my heart wide open, so my gratefulness and love would become words. But then I again realize, that it is simply impossible to put into words my love, gratitude and greed to serve you, dear Srila Gurudeva.
So I can just repeat: dear Srila Gurudeva, please, accept my gratitude, love, and allow me to forever stay your servant, daughter and just the dust under your lotus feet.
I apologize, that my spiritual advancement is not fast enough, and even though you say, that you, Srila Gurudeva, proud of my progress, I cannot comprehend, how this can make you proud. I may be trying my best, but I know for sure, that my efforts only will not be enough, so I beg, and I beg for your mercy, my dear father. Please, be patient with me as you are now.
Always praying for your wellbeing, for your health and strength to continue your mission.
Your good-for-nothing daughter, Sanjivani Radha dasi