from Vrindavan Lila Dasi – United States, Port Saint Louis

Nama om vishnu-padaya krishna-preshthaya bhu-tale
srimate indradyumna-swamin iti namine
namah prabhupada-priya dasaya jagannatha-yatrananda murtaye
bhakta-sukhaya krishnot-kirtanena narasimhena rakshitaya namah

My dear Guru Maharaj,

Hare Krsna! All glories to you! All glories to Srila Prabhupada! Please accept my humble obeisances.

Wishing you a Happy Vyasa Puja 2020.

Since it has been two years since I’ve seen you in Mayapur, I would like to give you an update on what I have been doing these past two years.

After I left Mayapur, India in 2018, I went back to America to stay with my son. But I only stayed with him for a few months, then I went to stay with my mother. It was a good thing that I went to stay with her because she was very sick. And because I moved in with her, 2019 was a very bad year for me spiritually, because I couldn’t go to the temple and associate with devotees as much as I used to do before I moved in with her or like I did in India. I stayed in India for six years, four years in Vrindavan, and two years in Mayapur. So you could imagine how I felt when I had to move in with her and to take care of her because she was not a devotee, and was completely against the movement. And she had tried everything in her power to get me out of the movement. But somehow our relationship got worse than it was in the previous years that I lived with her. I think that she was losing her mind. Not only was she still against the movement and wanted me out of it, but she totally thought that she could get me out of the movement by not letting me go to the temple when I wanted to go and prohibiting me from going to the temple with my devotional clothes. And what was more disturbing to me was her trying to stop me from cooking because she couldn’t tolerate the smell of the spices. She said that the smell of the spices was making her illnesses worst.

I was so upset and disturbed by her behavior towards me. She never acted like this with me when I lived with her before in the past. I think that the reason why she acted so controlling and possessive is because I didn’t have anything materially, and I had nowhere to go including the temple because she messed that up for me when she called the Brooklyn temple searching for me while I was in India. She thought that she could have complete control over me because she was all that I had. While living with her, her health started to deteriorate; so I had to help her with her cooking which I didn’t want to do because she was a meat eater. And every time I thought about leaving her, I couldn’t because she was too old and sick, and I had nowhere to go. And I thought that since she took care of me as a kid, and I am the only living child that she has, then it is my duty to take care of her. I also think that she was going crazy because this was not the mother that I knew twelve years ago. Yes, it had been twelve years since I saw her before we met again in 2018 because we had a fall out. But sadly, she passed away almost three months ago on February 24th. She succumbed to her illnesses. And I am not going to lie to you Guru Maharaj, but I was sad and also relieved that she passed away because she put me through hell in the fifteen months that I lived with her before she passed away. I was also sad because she was my mother for sixty three years and a friend to me sometimes when she wasn’t acting all crazy. She used to tell me stories about her childhood, and other and friends over and over again. I think it was due to her dementia that she kept repeating herself. In the beginning, I didn’t mind but after a year, I couldn’t take it anymore. So before she started telling me her old stories, I would remind her that she told me these stories before many times. I was also sad when she died because she was always there for me when I needed help or a place to stay. No matter what our differences were, she was always there for me. And she was like this with other people. But because she would help a lot of people, she thought that she could control them, and for them to bow down to her.

But the point that I am trying to make Guru Maharaj is that after my mother passed away, I was looking forward to going to the temple more often and associating with devotees and having darshan of the deities without any fear or hassle when I got back home. But unfortunately, these things are not happening because of COVID-19. I can’t believe the devastations that this virus has caused throughout the world. Almost everything has come to a halt. We can’t even go to the temple to see the deities and to have darshan of the deities. This is horrible. I never dreamed that these things would happen now even if it is Kali Yuga. This is the time that we need Krsna and the association of devotees the most, but we can’t go to the temples because they are closed to outsiders or guests. And what about you Guru Maharaj? No Sadhu Sanga or Polish Festivals this year. I can’t believe this. And what about your Kartik Parikrama, is that in jeopardy also? I hope that this doesn’t happen. And so far, no Ratha Yatras, unbelievable!

Why is this happening Guru Maharaj? Is this an offense to a pure devotee of Lord Krsna? Or is it mother Bhumi trying to relieve the burden of this earth due to too many demonic presences, or is it some demonic activity?

Whatever it is, I am hoping that before the year is over that things will be back to normal and we can visit the temples and have darshan of the deities again, and also to be able to sing and dance in front of the deities, and to have association of the devotees. When will that day come Guru Maharaj? When will I be able to go to the temples and eat the nice Maha-prasadam cooked by the devotees and offered to Lord Krsna.

And I look forward in seeing you Guru Maharaj preaching Krsna Consciousness all over the world and putting on your wonderful festivals in Poland and other countries throughout the world again. You have worked so hard Guru Maharaj for more than twenty years in organizing these festivals and to see that in just a few days this virus has jeopardized everything. But it wasn’t only the virus, but people’s fear of dying also, I think.

I know that this must be a very difficult time for you and for the devotees and disciples who are always there to help you organize these festivals wherever you go. And what about your godbrothers and godsisters who are always there by your side wherever you go.

I am also sorry to see that the Sadhu Sanga retreat was canceled. I was really looking forward to attending the retreat this year and seeing you and the devotees again.

I hope that somehow you will be able to participate in the Polish Woodstock festival this year and other festivals throughout the world because you are our only hope, Srila Gurudev, to keep this movement going. If you can’t continue with your festivals and preaching all over the world, how can this movement go on? But I know that Krsna is the Supreme Controller and if he wants this movement to go on for the next ten thousand years, it will go on.

I will never forget the year 2019. That year I thought was the worst year for me because I couldn’t practice Krsna Consciousness like I used to practice it. But the year 2020 has turned out to be worst because of COVID-19. Is this the result of being born in Kali Yuga. I am hoping that 2021 will be much better for all of us Srila Gurudev with Krsna’s mercy.

In closing I want to wish you a Happy Vyasa Puja 2020 again and may Krsna bless you with many more to come. All glories to you Srila Gurudev!

Your aspiring servant, Vrindavan Lila Dasi