from Rasarani Priya Dasi – India, Mayapur

My dear Srila Gurudeva,

Please accept my most humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada! All glories to you!

In a Vyasa Puja offering to Srila Prabhupada in 2007 you wrote: “Then suddenly, without notice, you appeared in my life. I did not know you were coming. I did not know who you were — but through time I have come to understand your supremely exalted position as a pure devotee of the Lord, an intimate servant of Radha and Krishna. By inconceivable mercy I am one of your servants.”

Coincidentally this was the year I received the good fortune of becoming your disciple. And I can say that this paragraph fully expresses my own experience. At a young age you appeared suddenly in my life smiling, dancing and ever encouraging me to chant. I did not understand who you really were, or my level of good fortune. But over the last twenty-two years or so, I am slowly coming to understand your supremely exalted position as a pure devotee of the Lord, an intimate servant of Radha and Krishna. And that, by inconceivable mercy I am one of your servants. That is the only identity I pray to keep.

In a dream a few weeks back I saw you. You were arriving in a hall after a long arduous journey. A small rag tag group of disciples greeted you. We were foolish and spaced out, and you had to request that we bring you some water to wash, some chandan to cool down, and something to drink. In the way of dreams the scene then changed many times. Each time you were arriving somewhere and preparing to speak to us, your foolish disciples, and each time you had to repeat your simple instruction on how to properly receive the guru. I began to feel frustrated, why did no one remember to organize a proper greeting for you? Then all of a sudden you were arriving in my house. You sat on my couch, and as I knelt at your feet, you were perspiring. You looked at me and, to my great shame, had to repeat the same instruction.

I quickly jumped to my feet and rushed to bring some cold sandalwood paste. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I had made you repeat your instruction once again. As I applied the chandan to your forehead I apologized for my foolishness saying, “I’m so sorry you have such foolish disciples, Srila Gurudeva. I’m so sorry you must repeat such simple instructions over and over”.

You looked at me without a trace of disappointment, and smiling with such warmth and genuine happiness, said that it was all right, you did not mind — you were happy to.

After I woke, my sense of awe and gratitude for you increased throughout the day as I contemplated what I had dreamt. As you often like to say Srila Gurudeva, although dreams are illusions, “dreams of the spiritual master are very nice.”

This dream really hit home for me how utterly patient you are with us, your fledgling sons and daughters. How many times in my life have I heard you repeat the same, seemingly basic instructions? I understand that it is only through your complete love for us, that even though you are a pure and exalted devotee of the Lord, you spend your time patiently coaching and guiding our first baby steps in spiritual life. You never become impatient, disgusted or frustrated with us. You walk beside each and every one of us, holding our hand, happily guiding us at the pace we can manage all the while pointing to the goal and encouraging us to one-day run.

As it says in Srimad Bhagavatam [3.22.7]:

“I have fortunately been instructed by you, and thus great favor has been bestowed upon me. I thank God that I have listened with open ears to your pure words.”

Purport: “The real fact is that a bona fide spiritual master knows the nature of a particular man and what sort of duties he can perform in Kṛishna Consciousness, and he instructs him in that way.”

You exemplify this statement perfectly. You pour all of your love and instructions into the classes you give us. And what amazing classes they are! Perfectly designed for all of us at our different stages of Krishna Consciousness. Simple and encouraging for those of us who are struggling with our first steps, and yet so layered with the deepest conclusions of sastra for the day when we are ready to understand it.

When I hear the loving, utterly dedicated, and devotional sentiments you express to your spiritual master I realize more and more how little I actually understand about true surrender and the sincere desire to serve.

Sometimes, proudly, I think, “Yes, I have the desire to serve my master.” But then I read your words of total surrender and I feel chastened. I understand that my devotion and desire is but a tiny candle next to the raging bonfire of your love for your glorious master.

Srila Gurudeva, I do have the desire to please you. In my own small capacity, I have this desire. But I know that this desire is only a shadow of the depth that it should reach. It is only by your mercy that true desire can be attained, only by your causeless mercy that I will ever be able to comprehend the depth of your dedication to your Gurudeva and imbibe it in my own life.

Having the correct desire is so important that in a verse in his Navadvipa Sataka, Srila Prabhodananda Sarasvati explains, “As you desire so your body, words, and heart will act.”

Dear Gurudeva, if I can just keep the right desire of serving you in the forefront of my mind, then automatically my words, heart and body will follow, thus leading me on the path to atma nivedanam, full surrender at your lotus feet.

In a Vyasa Puja Offering in 2014 you wrote: “Srila Prabhupada, I am very happy in my service to you. I harbor no doubts, misgivings or illusions about my position as your servant. I would do anything for you. If you ordered me to go to hell and preach, I’d jump on the first train spiraling down to that lake of fire, happily chanting the holy names all the while. If you instructed me to preach in heaven, I’d arrive in that celestial abode with no other interest than to serve your order. This is because I’ve already seen heaven and hell in my many years of service to you in this world, and I’ve concluded there is no shelter other than your lotus feet”.

When will my heart beat to the same rhythm and with the same intensity as yours?

I fall at your feet and beg you to bless me that I too may have this firm and resolute conviction that there is no shelter other than your lotus feet, and the lotus feet of Srila Prabhupada. For I know that the day I achieve this conviction will be the highest point in my existence. That will be the day when my spiritual life truly begins. The day when I’ll leave aside all foolish desires, dance happily in your footsteps and jump joyfully behind you onto that train spiraling down to the lake of fire.

The only desire I can profess with conviction and sincerity, is the desire to have the same fervent wish to serve and please you that you have for your own master, Srila Prabhupada.

And I understand now, after thirteen years of attempting to serve you, that the only way to get this desire is by your grace. If you become pleased and bestow your blessings, the fire of this desire to serve can pass to my heart. No other way is it possible.

My greatest ambition and longing is to please you. And I know that the best way to please you is to help you serve your glorious master, to somehow assist you in fulfilling your mission to please him.

Today in an address to the Australian devotees who were celebrating your Vyasa Puja you said that you consider your service of guiding and delivering each one of us your primary service to Srila Prabhupada.

Because I am fallen, foolish, full of pride and do not have much devotion, I know that I may not ever be able to render any kind of “grand” or “large scale” service to you, like spreading Krishna Consciousness to millions upon millions of people as you do for Prabhupada. My small hope for service to you is that I may one day fulfill your instruction: “The greatest gift one can give their spiritual master is a tear of love while chanting the holy name”. My hope and prayer is that after many years of endeavor and careful determination, by good fortune I will receive your mercy and be able to chant with some sincerity and genuine feeling, thus “helping” you to fulfill your primary service to Prabhupada, of guiding and delivering us.

Begging to always remain your servant, Rasarani Priya Dasi